What I don't want you to know about me

I've been visiting Victoria this week so last night I went to Landmark's seminar. As always, it was exactly what I needed to hear. This seminar is about dealing powerfully with the breakdowns in your life and creating breakthroughs on demand. Considering all the big life changes I've been making recently, it's no surprise I've been dealing with some breakdowns. In scheduling, in time management, in conversations, and mostly, in all the negative self talk that seems to be rushing back in full force.

Then last night, one woman stood up and started her sharing by saying. "What I don't want you to know about me is..."

BAM. Right away I was focused on what she had to say and was so blown away by her vulnerability. We all have things we don't want to admit to others. We carry guilt and shame around our necks that weigh us down and can often stop us from taking those big leaps in our life. It also stops us from connecting with others. But really, isn't it when someone shares a deep, dark secret that you feel most connected? We can all relate with struggling. If we're lucky, we have people in our life that we can share those places with, and it's so important to hold those people close. I have many people that I can share my fears and insecurities with, and yet I know I still try to hide out. I know I'm more connected when I admit my humanity and yet I still try to hide who I am and put on a happy face even with those who know me best. And why? I don't know why. If I've learned anything in these last 7 months it's that understanding why does nothing to move life forward. What it takes is actions in the face of all that head chatter.

I've tried to write three blog posts about this before. They're all sitting unpublished in my archive. I've alluded to it a few times, but as I'm sitting on the ferry listening to "Brave" by Idina Manzel, I'm finally willing to put the words out in the world.

What I don't want you to know about me is that I'm addicted to sugar and have been struggling with binge eating disorder for as long as I can remember.

It was a little over a year ago when I heard about binge eating disorder. I knew I obviously had an unhealthy relationship with food, but when I heard "eating disorder" I only thought about bulimia and anorexia. I knew I ate too much food, but when it got really bad in high school and the first couple years of university, I would actually pride myself on not having an eating disorder because "at least I didn't throw it up." Or worse, I wish I could throw up so that I would be thinner. I can recall more than a couple of times after a particularly large binge, kneeling on the floor in the bathroom, tears running down my face. I was struggling between wanting to purge and knowing intellectually that it would make things worse. And when I didn't purge, I'd either congratulate myself or call myself a wimp, depending on my mood. That, my dear younger self, is called denial.

For those who don't know, binge eating disorder is characterized by eating of a large quantity of food in a short amount of time accompanied by a feeling of lack of control and without subsequent purging. There are more symptoms that can be found here and here if you're interested.

Now I'm much more informed and equipped. The most frightening thing for me is realizing how common it is. Stats on binge eating disorder say it occurs in 2% in men and 3.5% of women, almost twice as common as bulimia and anorexia put together. And yet I always felt so alone. So many of us suffer in silence.

I was waiting to post about this until I could say I had fully "conquered" it. So that, again, I could be a role model to those who may have been suffering in silence like me. Well enough of that. I could be one right now. Even if just one person reads this and feels more connected, well then, that's worth it for me.

Because what has taken me years to realize is not only am I beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate, but my struggles with food does absolutely nothing to counteract that. I'm not entirely free yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel that's coming closer with every step I take. I know I can't do this alone and I've been trying to for too long.

My request to you.. if you are struggling, in secret or not, reach out. There are a lot of services out there, from Overeaters Anonymous to websites to eating disorder clinics. And I am always here if you want to share something with me. I've been there. I've felt the guilt, the shame, the disgust, the frustration, the despair. And I'm here to say you are NOT ALONE. You are beautiful. You are worthy of love. You are absolutely perfect. And you are loved, more than you could even imagine.